Why do you make me feel this way?
by killer0meganekko
Summary: "You have girlfriend. It's only sex. It's a take and give relationship with no feeling. Still... Why the bloody hell do I love you?"  M rating for to be sure.


"Why do you make me feel this way?"

TYL!Ryohei x TYL!Chrome (slight anti-Mukuro x Chrome & Ryohei x Hana )

"It's a strange thing. I almost felt like an addict. It was just that I really didn't have an addiction. Or it's more likely up to how you look at this situation. He's something over me. He is something I should not touch or to even reach out to. It's a sin. A lovely sin. I should be better. It's up to me how this ends. I should end it. But I can't, I just can't."

I felt him touch my skin. His hand slowly going up my leg and up under my skirt. He know all my weak spots. His hand goes slowly and steadily under my underwear and to pleasuring me. I was sitting in his desk and he was standing in front of me. I watched him and he never took his eyes of me. It's like he knows my body better than I do. I'm a person who has never got the hold of pleasuring myself but the things he does to me is just something that I can't be without loving every second. His usually smiling and shouting face was now calm. He took his hand off me before I would come off only of his hand and watching.

This time was like all the other times. I started taking his pants off and let them slide from him. I stand up from the desk and got to my knees. I know what he likes. Still I don't think that I would know his body as well as he knows my. I had gotten used to blowjobs. It's not that bad thing anymore. Well I'm still doing it to him so it's not bad at all. I'm sure that if I should now do something like this to Mukuro I would puke before even starting. But not with Ryohei. Not after so many times. I know what parts I have to play with and when I would start sucking more hard. I know all the things that would get him off real fast. I can almost count time to know when he will grunt and but his hand on my head and will say to stop. After that I just have to got up and sit to the desk again.

I will lay down to the big desk and he will come slowly on top of me. He will massage my breast just the perfect way. I slowly open my shirt so he can put his hand under my bra. There is no need to take them off, this will be finished fast and nice. Somebody would say that it's even emotionless thing. My underwear is slided off my legs, no need to take the skirt off. He pushes himself in to me. It's not wild animal like sex. I could say it's slow and it's that kind of what you enjoy every second. His hand are all over me and I love the feeling he gives me. The desk rocks little bit forth, Ryohei is in the end pretty strong from his thrusts. His legs are well done. Like all in him is. When the climax is coming closer only then and only then we share one kiss. It's all we need to get off. It's a lazy kiss with a tiny tongue fight. After the silent orgasm he gets off me and puts his pants on again.

I feel good but at the same time depressed. I love the feeling but the same time I hate the feeling. I lazily got off the desk and fix my clothes. In all this time there is no talking, almost not even sound. Just a while ago only the sound of desk and skin getting contact. This is almost sad. I have the same feeling like I had with Mukuro. This only gives me the good feeling too but that is always crashed down. Mukuro took my love and gave noting. Ryohei has my love and my body, I could say he has everything but he just hasn't noticed this. Ryohei gives only the little feeling of maybe being together for a short time. Then the reality hits hard.

This is the first time I have thinked these things while having sex with Ryohei and still being with him. This is the first time I start crying over this heart broking thing. This feeling is ripping me apart. I hate it. Still it's my fault. I started it. I was the one who came to Ryohei and just felled to his arms. He has a girlfriend. Better than me. She is everything that I'm not. Why can't I be in her place? And if she would be a proper girlfriend then Ryohei would not had given in. Why can't I just swap our places? If there would be god and I could make deal with him, I really would swap my place with Hana. Does she even know that Ryohei is with me? Has she quested it?

I love Ryohei Sasagawa. As wrong it is I do. It's my sin. Everything just shouts "NO" in this relationship. I should stop it. I have to stop it. My crying isn't silent anymore. Ryohei turns around and watches me with a questioning look. He comes closer to me but I back up.

"No." I say from my sobs.

Ryohei looks so confused that it's almost shocking.

"We have to stop this. I don't want to do this anymore." I say and I won't look Ryohei, I just stare the floor that has now round tear shaped water drops in it.

Ryohei tries again to come closer to me but I put my hand to the air to stop him.

"DON'T!" I shout so he would just stop for a minute.

Ryoheis face showed only pain and sadness.

"Why do you make me feel like this?" I say quietly.

"You have girlfriend. It's only sex. It's a take and give relationship with no feeling. Still... **Why the bloody hell do I love you!" **I shout thefinal sentence whit tears now falling down freely.

Now Ryohei just runned to me took me in to his arms. I tried to get away from Ryohei embrace but he hold me so tight it was almost impossible. I cried like no end. I gave up and just hugged him as hard. I thought my legs would not hold. After a while of crying everything out from my heart I start speaking again.

"I should go." I say my throat feeling like sandpaper.

Ryohei didn't let go of me. He didn't even make the embrace more soft. He just kept his embrace tight.

"Ryohei...Please. Don't. I don't want to do this anymore. This is not real. It's only illusion." I say and try to get away from the embrace.

"Don't leave me." Ryohei said fast and short.

I freezed at that. What was Ryohei saying? Maybe he was just in desperate. But so am I.

"I-...I leaved Hana today. Earlier. Before all this." Ryohei said embracing me even more tight now.

"So...Just don't leave me. I love you." Ryohei said and I could say that he was trying to hide his head to the hollow of my neck.

It took me a while to thing about this situation. It was so surreal. This just doesn't happen in real life. Was he joking? There is never happy endings for cheating. Had Hana then really been so unpleasant girlfriend? Wasn't she supposed to be perfect? Wasn't Hanas and Ryoheis relationship perfect? What had happened? Or was it all my fault? Had I really stole Ryoheis heart? Had he fall in love with me by just being in meeting with me or in a mission by Vongola? And by having some free time with me and having sex with me? I guess it is understandable. Just a guess. But well, I did fall in love just by that. Even if this unhealthy, unfair relationship doesn't have sweet words, it never had love making. Not even really feelings. But did this really change from that in to this? That we both have mutual feelings?

Ryoheis head started to turn slowly to my way. I watched straight ahead. Maybe I had freezed to that point or I just didn't have the courage to see Ryoheis face. This was still very surreal. I could feel Ryoheis hands get away from me. I didn't have the energy or courage to move. Ryohei started backing away from me. He felled to his chair. He put his head to his hand for a little while then he raised his head again and looked at me. I had moved my eyes to look at him but everything else was still unmoved. Ryohei looked so sad. I could say even broken. He looked just like me in my worst times. I was afraid that he would broke to pieces any moment and just disappear with that.

"I'm sorry." Ryohei said looking me with a face that looked like he would broke in to tears.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know why he said sorry.

"Of course you had to broke before this. I'm sorry I didn't do this before. I didn't know what I felt. I just...You said you love me. I thought that...Maybe...This could have worked. But I understand why you won't believe me." Ryohei said and then put his head in to his hands again.

My moving senses where coming back. I closed my eyelids for a while and took a deep breath. I didn't know what to do. Why? Why couldn't I have a book that would have answer to everything. This was it. This was everything I had wanted. But why was it so hard just so open my mouth and say that I want to be with him for real. Just why? I felt stupid for having this kind of inner fight.

I started slowly moving toward Ryoheis desk. Ryohei never lifted his head up. Maybe he was confused too. My emotions don't need words. After Mukuro had left me I had even thinked that do I even have emotions anymore. Everything felt dry and nothing was good. Then he took me to his open arms. Everything got in to a new level. But the same time everything was worst that before. But now, I just had to say the right words or do the right thing. Then I could be happy.

I got lower so I could hug Ryoheis sitting body from the side. I buried my head to his neck. Just now Ryohei started lifting is head. I lifted my head up little bit so I could look him to the eyes. I brushed my lips little bit to his. I poured everything of me to that kiss. Ryoheis hand got to the back of my neck. The kiss felt like raw need, secret emotions and despaired. Ryoheis other hand was on my cheek. It felt like he would hold to this or then he would drown. After parting we looked at each others for a while. Then my lips parted to say the words in whisper.

"Okay, let's finally try this relationship for real."


End file.
